I have social anxiety issues.
I have serious social anxiety issues.
They aren't very new. But I haven't done very much to curb them. I am only just now realizing how much I have let them take over my life. I am only just now realizing that this is indeed what my issues are. It is social anxiety.
My senior thesis. It was optional, granted. It would have taken a lot of time and dedication, writing a work of fiction of my choice. And I gave myself the time to dedicate to it. Why did I not finish? I told myself it was because I didn't know how to get my ideas on paper. But that's not true. It was because I was afraid. Afraid of standing up in front of that committee and talking about my work.
I know this because I decided I would switch to poetry. I have more than enough poems to fill a portfolio. I can round up a committee with expertise in poetry, and have the thesis complete, and graduate cum laude. But that same sickly, immobilizing feeling is coming over me. I'm not an incapable writer. I'm not an incapable person. I am just illogically afraid of that committee.
And there are other things that I have been afraid of. Other interactions with people. Feeding people at the homeless shelter. I could cook all morning long at our church kitchens, but I could not bring myself to go interact with people at the homeless shelter. Dating someone. A year ago last Fall there was someone who was being honestly quite forward with me, simply because she had to. I even kinda had a thing for her, and we probably would have had a good bit of fun together. But I couldn't go on a date with her. I simply couldn't. She invited me over for movies. I couldn't. (I did have a prior engagement, a retreat to go to, but I let the ball drop.)
It is no use trying to change the past, but I sure need to learn from it.
I don't need to consign myself to a cubicle in Atlanta or Albuquerque processing other people's futures simply because I know I can handle a job as an admissions analyst to a university. I don't need to choose a career because it puts a computer screen between me and most human interaction.
I need to live my life. And the first step I have to doing that is by finishing this thesis. Confronting that committee. I will let the second step come. I don't need to know that tonight. But I do not need to let this sickly feeling get in the way.
It will be hard, but I will be praying. It will still be hard, but it will be worth doing.
Comments (1)
Go Chris! I know it's rude of me, but I know how you feel. I could have applied for grad school and had a portfolio ready for Davis to take a look at. But I didn't because I got scared of other people seeing my work. 10 of 250-some-odd applicants chosen. How could I ever measure up? I'm really glad you're going to confront your fear. You're a truly brilliant poet. The committee would be crazy not to recognize that. :)
And who would have to be forward with you? That's the most preposterous idea I've ever heard. ;)